Cleaning Confidential

CEO: Let's get started.  

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: Right.   The apartment needs a top to bottom cleaning.  

CEO: That shouldn't be a problem.  

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: I am requesting additional time and energy to go beyond the quick clean drill. The Wife wants a deep clean.  

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Deep cleans are…hard to rally around.

CEO: Why? 

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Why take all the time to clean, when you can take fifteen minutes and make it look clean?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: Guests are staying for the weekend. They are from out of town.  The apartment needs a full-scale deep clean.  The request doesn't have a lot of wiggle room.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: It's not real out of town company. 

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: They're flying in from Vermont!

SVP of Justification & White Lies: But one of them was our law school roommate.  

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: How does that change--

SVP of Justification & White Lies: We lived with this guy.  And drank with him.  We woke up pants-less on his couch once.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: The request stands.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: The pants were never found!  These guests know us. A heightened level of cleaning to establish some sort of sanitary facade is pointless.   

CEO: Justification is making some sense here.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: The roommate is bringing his wife.  And it's the first time the guests have seen the marital residence.  

CEO: Oh. (To SVP of Justification & White Lies) Clean it.  

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Fine.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: That includes vacuuming.  

SVP of Justification & White Lies: I know what it includes.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: And behind the toaster.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Whoa! Hold the damn phone. Do you know what's back there?

CEO: (to SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss) Let's not get carried away.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: You can't be serious.  

CEO: Getting the guys in Hand Operations to do toaster work is tricky. 

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: Why?

CEO: They don't like to clean behind the toaster.  Not since…the incident. 

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: What happened?

CEO: There are periods of this company's history we aren't proud of; let's just move on.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: I want to hear what happened with the toaster.

CEO: It's classified.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: I handle Spousal Operations.  I have clearance.  

SVP of Justification & White Lies: (stares off into the distance) Not for the era before The Wife.  Not for the Dark Times…

CEO: (clears his throat) We'll pass along the toaster request, but I can't promise anything.  What else?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: Dusting. 

CEO: Sure.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: Vacuuming. 

CEO: You said that. 

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: The furniture. 

CEO: Fine. 

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: Toilet scrubbing.  

CEO: No problem.  

SVP of Spousal Monitoring and Marital Bliss: But the toaster can't--

CEO: Let it go.  Get out.