Departmental Review & Elimination

CEO: Have a seat.

Senior VP [currently between departments]: Sure.  What’s going on?

CEO: We’re doing a departmental review.  I want to talk about the evolution of your departments a little bit. 

SVP: Sure. 

CEO: I have it down here that your first department was created in 1999, under the original moniker of Real Life Begins After High School.

SVP: That’s right.

CEO: Then in 2004, your department was eliminated, only to have it spring back up as Real Life Begins After College?

SVP: …yes…

CEO: And finally in 2009 it was again modified into Real Life Begins After Law School.

SVP: (swallows hard) That’s correct.

CEO: I have some inter-office memos here that question your department’s core function.

SVP: We exist to ease tension.  We try to move the company in a positive direction while milestones are reached. 

CEO: Is that positive direction forward?

SVP: …

CEO: The issue has come to a my attention because departments that almost never agree are unanimous in their request for your department to be eliminated.

SVP: I think that’s a little unfair-

CEO: Love, Hope, & Other Troublesome Emotions has come together with Budget & Finance in their quest to end your department.  They are joined by the entirety of floors 7 through 27.

SVP: What? Why?

CEO: Complaints include that you delay the maturation process needlessly.  That you build a cocoon of apathy within the company by convincing various departments that what is happening in the present is of little to no consequence.

SVP: Our mission statement is to reduce stress by focusing on the next milestone of life, and in doing so to increase care-free enjoyment of “the now.”

CEO: First of all, I hate mission statements.  Second, your focus on care-free enjoyment seems to have single-handedly caused a massive backslide during the collegiate years in the areas of problem-solving, planning for the future, and understanding that actions have consequences.

SVP: All I do is give advice to other departments based on my department’s set goals.

CEO: Not anymore.

SVP: What?

CEO: We’re letting you go.

SVP: Now?!  I’m in the middle of revamping my department for a Real Life Starts After Fatherhood campaign.

CEO: Yes, I know.  The problem is that unlike your previous efforts, instead of having a ridiculously over-priced piece of paper at the end of the campaign, we’re going to have a baby on our hands.  Something that your department is woefully unequipped to handle.

SVP: Who’s going to run the Fatherhood department?!

CEO: The corporate timeline has a baby planned for sometime in 2015, plenty of time to interview qualified candidates.  We hope to hire from within, but will also be meeting with outside candidates.  We will consult with our “Brother Companies” who have handled the addition of a Fatherhood Department before.

SVP: But, I had so many plans…

CEO: I am tragically aware.  I have a document created at your work station that plans a transition from Real Life Begins After Fatherhood to Real Life Begins After Retirement.  You’re aware that this plan would result in an automatonic shell of an existence that would span decades.

SVP: (mumbles) just working off the mission state-


SVP: Isn’t there something open in Apathy & Laziness?

CEO: We never got around to officially opening that department.

SVP: See, I could get that done.  I coul-

CEO: It was a joke.  Get out.