Complaint Assessment; VP of Left-Hand Ops & VP of Right-Hand Ops

CEO: I have two complaints here.  Both from last night.  One from Budget, one from Health.  Which would the two of you like to respond to first?

VP of Left Hand Operations: Budget has no grounds for a complaint sir.  The incident he’s complaining about was his fault. 

VP of Right Hand Operations: That’s true.

CEO: You want me to hold the Senior Vice President of Budget & Finance accountable for (reads from complaint) spilling red wine down the front of a white dress shirt-

VP of LHO: The context of the-

CEO: And a pair of pants.

VP of RHO: There’s a bigger pict-

CEO: And on the dog.

VP of LHO: You really need to zoom out to understand the whole scenario.

CEO: Ok.  Zoom me out.

VP of RHO: Budget, who is in charge of purchasing, bought the wine in question.

CEO: How could that possibly matter?

VP of LHO: It was box wine.

CEO: How did Budget get that past Delusions of Grandeur?

VP of RHO: I think he convinced him it was fancy box wine.

CEO: How?

VP of LHO: It comes in a black box.

CEO: Sure.

(VP of LHO & VP of RHO both nod, satisfied with their explanation.)

CEO: So the wine came from a box, that doesn’t explain how you spilled it once it was in the glass.

VP of RHO: There was no glass.

CEO: Come again?

VP of LHO: Budget sent out a memo requesting we made sure to completely empty the box of wine before throwing it away to ensure its thriftiness.

VP of RHO: So, when the spigot on the box wine stopped working, we tore open the box, removed the internal wine bag, and drank directly from the spigot.

CEO: Obviously. How did that help get more wine?

VP of LHO: We squeezed the bag. 

VP of RHO: Quite firmly.

VP of LHO: It created a bit of a high pressure situation.

CEO: I can imagine.

VP of RHO: So once we pushed--

CEO: I get the idea.  And your response to the complaint from Health?

VP of RHO: That wasn’t even really an incident.

CEO: (sighs) Please.  Go on.

VP of RHO: We were outside.  I was carrying trash to the dumpster. 

VP of LHO: I was holding the dog’s leash.

VP of RHO: We got to the dumpster and threw in the trash, but then we realized the dumpster lid was open and a storm was coming.

CEO: So?

VP of LHO: The rain could flood the dumpster.

CEO: Who cares?

VP of RHO: We thought closing it would be a nice thing to do.

CEO: …

VP of LHO: We like to open and close things. 

CEO: There it is. What happened?

VP of RHO: As it turns out, it had already rained a bit.  And the dumpster lid, which was sizeable, had accumulated about an inch of standing water in it while it was in the open position.

CEO: Ok…

VP of RHO: So when we closed the lid, the water that was sitting in the dumpster lid, uh, cascaded downward, onto the torso. 

VP of LHO: And the dog.

CEO: So you feel the Senior Vice-President of Diet, Exercise & General Health was unwarranted in his complaint because…?

VP of LHO: Everything was fine.  It was just rain water. 

CEO: The complaint describes it as: (reading) luke-warm dumpster sludge.

VP of RHO: That’s a bit overdramatic.

CEO: Alright.  You poured wine everywhere in an effort to save money and don’t believe that dousing the upper body with stagnant dumpster water poses a hygienic threat, is that right?

VP of LHO: Correct.

VP of RHO: Yessir.

CEO: Get out.