CEO: I have two complaints here. Both from last night. One from Budget, one from Health. Which would the two of you like to respond to first?
VP of Left Hand Operations: Budget has no grounds for a complaint sir. The incident he’s complaining about was his fault.
VP of Right Hand Operations: That’s true.
CEO: You want me to hold the Senior Vice President of Budget & Finance accountable for (reads from complaint) spilling red wine down the front of a white dress shirt-
VP of LHO: The context of the-
CEO: And a pair of pants.
VP of RHO: There’s a bigger pict-
CEO: And on the dog.
VP of LHO: You really need to zoom out to understand the whole scenario.
CEO: Ok. Zoom me out.
VP of RHO: Budget, who is in charge of purchasing, bought the wine in question.
CEO: How could that possibly matter?
VP of LHO: It was box wine.
CEO: How did Budget get that past Delusions of Grandeur?
VP of RHO: I think he convinced him it was fancy box wine.
VP of LHO: It comes in a black box.
(VP of LHO & VP of RHO both nod, satisfied with their explanation.)
CEO: So the wine came from a box, that doesn’t explain how you spilled it once it was in the glass.
VP of RHO: There was no glass.
CEO: Come again?
VP of LHO: Budget sent out a memo requesting we made sure to completely empty the box of wine before throwing it away to ensure its thriftiness.
VP of RHO: So, when the spigot on the box wine stopped working, we tore open the box, removed the internal wine bag, and drank directly from the spigot.
CEO: Obviously. How did that help get more wine?
VP of LHO: We squeezed the bag.
VP of RHO: Quite firmly.
VP of LHO: It created a bit of a high pressure situation.
CEO: I can imagine.
VP of RHO: So once we pushed--
CEO: I get the idea. And your response to the complaint from Health?
VP of RHO: That wasn’t even really an incident.
CEO: (sighs) Please. Go on.
VP of RHO: We were outside. I was carrying trash to the dumpster.
VP of LHO: I was holding the dog’s leash.
VP of RHO: We got to the dumpster and threw in the trash, but then we realized the dumpster lid was open and a storm was coming.
VP of LHO: The rain could flood the dumpster.
CEO: Who cares?
VP of RHO: We thought closing it would be a nice thing to do.
VP of LHO: We like to open and close things.
CEO: There it is. What happened?
VP of RHO: As it turns out, it had already rained a bit. And the dumpster lid, which was sizeable, had accumulated about an inch of standing water in it while it was in the open position.
VP of RHO: So when we closed the lid, the water that was sitting in the dumpster lid, uh, cascaded downward, onto the torso.
VP of LHO: And the dog.
CEO: So you feel the Senior Vice-President of Diet, Exercise & General Health was unwarranted in his complaint because…?
VP of LHO: Everything was fine. It was just rain water.
CEO: The complaint describes it as: (reading) luke-warm dumpster sludge.
VP of RHO: That’s a bit overdramatic.
CEO: Alright. You poured wine everywhere in an effort to save money and don’t believe that dousing the upper body with stagnant dumpster water poses a hygienic threat, is that right?
VP of LHO: Correct.
VP of RHO: Yessir.
CEO: Get out.