Research & Development; Project Funding and Human Trials

CEO:  I understand you have a new project you want authorized.

Senior Vice President of Research & Development: Yes sir. 

CEO:  Alright.  What are you working on?  

SVP of R&D: My request involves vegetable eating and The Wife.

CEO:  We’ve been working on that for months.

SVP of R&D: Indeed.  As you know our previous efforts focused on flavor additives and cooking methods. 

CEO:  I remember the roasted kale.  It was...awful.

SVP of R&D: Yes. That was regrettable.

CEO:  The guys down in Digestive Services weren’t wild about it either.

SVP of R&D: Our new direction is quite different. 

CEO:  Ok.  Impress me.

SVP of R&D: Our new focus is liquification.  

CEO:  I’ll just stop you right there.

SVP of R&D: There has been progress in sever-

CEO:  No.  Just no.  She doesn’t like vegetable juice.  Even when we got her to breakdown and admit the various nutritional benefits she just raises her voice and says “salty things aren’t meant to be sipped.”  

SVP of R&D: I understand your hesitation. 

CEO:  This is not hesitation.  This is entrenched resistance.  The answer is no.

SVP of R&D: We already ran a successful trial.

CEO:  Getting him to eat it does not constitute a successful trial.  He will literally eat almost anything. 

SVP of R&D: I understand. 

CEO:  Do you?  He once ate Skittles he found at the bottom of suit jacket pocket, while he was trying it on at Goodwill.  The head of General Health tried to resign.  You need real-

SVP of R&D: The test was run on The Wife.


CEO:  You are not authorized to try new foods without approval.

SVP of R&D: We saw a windo-

CEO:  We have a system.  Steak and green beans.  Spinach salad topped with grilled chicken.  Children’s vitamins.  These are the established cornerstones of getting her to eat healthy. 

SVP of R&D: Our research is built on the cornerstones.  It is a radical idea, built into a fairly minimal change.

CEO:  How did you do it?

SVP of R&D: We started with grilled chicken over a spinach salad, which as you noted we’ve has some success with in the past. 

CEO:  Ok.

SVP of R&D: Then we built a new salad dressing, infused with additional vegetables.

CEO:  Explain.  Keep it simple.

SVP of R&D: Basically, we food processed the crap out of a bunch of celery, tomatoes, and an avocado; and mixed the resulting veggie-pulp with Greek yogurt and red wine vinegar.   Then tossed it all together with the chicken and spinach.

CEO: How did you hide the grainy texture? 

SVP of R&D: We sprinkled the whole thing with parmesan cheese.

CEO:  Real bacon bits?

SVP of R&D: Of course.  I can’t get her to eat a salad without real bacon bits.  I’m a researcher not a magician.

CEO:  So you got The Wife to eat a bowl of vegetables, covered with more liquefied vegetables?

SVP of R&D: Yes.

CEO:  (Yells to his assistant) David! I want R & D’s budget increased by 10%.  And get this beautiful bastard a cash bonus.  (Thinks) And a company car.

SVP of R&D: Wow.  Thank you sir.

CEO:  No more unauthorized tests.

SVP of R&D: Understood.

CEO:  Fantastic.  Get out.