Saturday Morning Diet Report (3)

Senior VP of Justification and White Lies: Our first successful Diet Week in almost a month!  Exciting times (sits down at conference table).

CEO: What are you doing here?

SVP of J&WL: I got added to the Dietary Committee last week.

CEO: Ok.  Well, first of all, this is late.

SVP of J&WL: Yes.  Sorry. I was, well, to be honest I was binge watching Arrested Development on Netflix.   I had to watch it all before I accidentally read some spoilers online.

CEO: (laughs) That’s fine. But, I have some questions about the number of exceptions to protocol that were exercised. 

SVP of J&WL: Ok.

CEO: I have the weekly tally at 17. 

SVP of J&WL: Yes.

CEO: That’s more than two per day.

SVP of J&WL: Yes.

CEO: So, my question is: with an average of more than two exceptions per day, how could you label this week a success?

SVP of J&WL: Well given the various social and fiscal obligations involved in the veritable myriad of situations he finds himself in, the interpretation of the dietary restrictions must evolve as they are applied to a continually changing set of circumst-

CEO: (holds up a hand) Don’t lawyer me.

SVP of J&WL: Sorry.  It’s a reflex. 

CEO: You’re a lawyer?

SVP of J&WL: Of course.  We’re all lawyers. 

CEO: Right.  Wait, did you say he was fiscally obligated to break his diet?

SVP of J&WL: Oh yes.  As you can see on Thursday, he was presented with a lunch invitation from his brother.  Which he reflexively accepted.

CEO: Sure.

SVP of J&WL: So he gets an Eating Out Exception due to Invitation From a Brother.  Followed by an Appetizer Exception due to Social Obligation when presented with avocado eggrolls he did not order.

CEO: Ok.

SVP of J&WL: This is subsequently followed by a Carb Exception AKA “Bread Bite” when the bleu cheese bacon cheeseburger that was also ordered for him arrived at the table.

CEO: I see.

SVP of J&WL: Finally a blanket Portion Control Exception was provided when it became clear his brother was paying, which activated the Free Lunch Principle.

CEO: And that applied to the blatantly enormous pile of sweet potato fries?

SVP of J&WL: Yes.  So that was four exceptions not only in one day, but in one meal;  which demonstrates how it is entirely possible to have four positive days, a majority that allows us to label it a successful week, whilst exercising 17 exceptions.

CEO: What about Wednesday?  I’ve got spontaneous alcohol consumption all over the place.  What happened at 5:30?

SVP of J&WL: Sat down with the father-in-law, exception for Drinking With Family and application of the No Man Drinks Alone rule.

CEO: 6:00?

SVP of J&WL: Same.

CEO: 9:00?

SVP of J&WL: Market research with his brother.  They’re scouting local bars and restaurants to open their own place.  Drinking With Family and Business Drinks both apply.

CEO: 9:30?

SVP of J&WL: Free Beer.

CEO: 9:45?

SVP of J&WL: Waitresses handing out free shots of a new kind of whisky. 

CEO: Seriously?

SVP of J&WL: Yep.

CEO: Wait, back here at 4:45, it says he had a beer with his insurance agent.  That is unjustified.  Period.

SVP of J&WL:   I hate to argue, but his insurance agent is married to his wife’s cousin so it technically falls under Drinks with Family.  Further, the agent was already having a beer so No Man Drinks Alone also applies.  Finally, that beer was also free.

CEO: Fine. 

(they stare at one another in begrudging silence)

CEO: (takes a deep breath) How’d the weekend go?

SVP of J&WL: There was another wedding.

CEO: Get out.