To: All Employees
From: Senior Vice President of Delusions of Grandeur
It has come to my attention that we are currently inside a Starbucks bathroom, in the seated position (and all that that implies). The door to the bathroom could be opened at any moment. This would be highly embarrassing and diminish the image of Tim as a gentleman and scholar. In order to keep such image setbacks from occurring, all future bowel movement requests will be processed through my department.
Grand Potentate of Delusions of Grandeur
VP of Reflexes & Bodily Responses: He can't send out emails like this.
CEO: Calm down. This is obviously a prank. (Pushes intercom) Janet, get the SVP of Delusions of Grandeur up here.
VP of R & BR: It's insulting to my entire department.
CEO: No one will take the request that all bowel movements be cleared through Delusions of Grandeur seriously. Why did he even send this?
VP of R & BR: The company's current location is Starbucks.
VP of R & BR: The bathroom is kept locked at all times, so you have to get a key to enter the bathroom.
VP of R & BR: Normally, you would take they key in with you and set in on the sink.
VP of R & BR: However, the guys in Spousal Monitoring & Martial Bliss demanded we open the men's room and then give the key to The Wife, so she could open the women's restroom.
CEO: Very courteous.
VP of R & BR: No. It's not. It's a breach of bathroom protocol.
VP of R & BR: The door to the bathroom was ostensibly locked, so I gave the go ahead for a full BM.
VP of R & BR: But The Wife has the key. She has since left the women's restroom and placed the key back on its hook, so…
CEO: So we are now in a public bathroom, mid-BM, and the door could literally open at any moment. At least there's a stall door to-
VP of R & BR: Not at Starbucks.
CEO: Why would there not be a stall?!
VP of R & BR: That's beside the point. What I have to deal with is the jackass in Delusions of Grandeur who is trying to control my department.
CEO: We'll sort it out.
(The intercom beeps)
Janet: Sir, The Senior Vice President of Delusions of Grandeur has sent a follow-up email demanding all employees cease work immediately in order to try and stop the bathroom door from opening through sheer force of will.
CEO: That oughta do it. Where is he? I thought you were bringing him up here?
Janet: I'm with him in his office. He's...indisposed.
CEO: (eyes narrow) In what way?
Janet: (clears throat) He is dressed in a Superman onesie.
CEO: What..is a onesie?
Janet: Full-body pajamas for children, sir. His desk is covered with oyster shells. He's quite drunk.
CEO: Yes. I deduced that. Is there any sign of what brought this on?
Senior Vice President of Delusions of Grandeur: I love oysters!
SVP of DG: And tequila!
CEO: Yeah. Caught that.
SVP of DG: I'M GONNA LIVE BY THE WATER IN A HOUSE WITH ALL MY FRIENDS BY THE SEA
CEO: (sighs) I knew he couldn't handle Cape Cod. Janet?
Janet: Yes sir.
CEO: Unplug his computer, his phone, snag his cell phone if you can and post a security guard outside his door. He's going to have to ride this one out.
Janet: Yes sir.
CEO: (to SVP of R & BR) Where are we on the BM?
SVP of R & BR: We've cleared the bathroom sir. Drinking a double espresso.
CEO: Super, that'll help. Get out.