Sickness Response Protocols & Deviations Thereof

CEO: (on the phone): Yes.  This is the CEO.  Get me The Vice President of Reflexes & Bodily Responses.  (waits) Hello?  I need mucus production shutdown immediately…What do you mean you can’t shut it down?!   Turn the crap off!

(Senior VP of Diet, Exercise & General Health enters the office; CEO motions for him to sit)

CEO: I suppose we can’t shut down the coughing either! (listens) He’s coughing because you won’t shut off the mucus!  I’ll call you back.

SVP of DE&GH: Everything is fine.

CEO: Everything is not fine.  We’ve got a big meeting tomorrow and mucus production is at (checks report) 3000%.  It’s unbelievable.

SVP of DE&GH: It’s a normal response to a virus, it’ll run its course.

CEO: The course better be 12 hours or less.

SVP of DE&GH: We’ve got it under control.

CEO: Really?! What’s being done?  Go ahead.  Calm me.  Soothe me.

SVP of DE&GH: We have him on an antihistamine.

CEO: He’s always on an antihistamine.  He’s allergic to hay and lives in Nebraska.

SVP of DE&GH: Yes.  He’s on an additional antihistamine. 

CEO: Ok.

SVP of DE&GH: And ibuprofen for the throat inflammation.

CEO: Good.

SVP of DE&GH: And some pseudoephedrine for nasal congestion.

CEO: Ok…

SVP of DE&GH: And some dextromethorphan for his cough.

CEO: Wait, I thought he was just taking cough drops?

SVP of DE&GH: Yes.  Those as well. 

CEO: And all of this isn’t upsetting his stomach?

SVP of DE&GH: My orders were to stop the mucus and coughing.

CEO: Fine. How many drugs do you have him on?

(checks his clipboard)

SVP of DE&GH: Oh boy.

CEO: What?

SVP of DE&GH: It appears there was a slight mix-up and he is on three antihistamines.

CEO: Great.

SVP of DE&GH: And the Cold & Sinus meds with the pseudoephedrine had ibuprofen in them too, so he’s got a double dose of that as well.

CEO: Who the hell is monitoring what medication he gives himself?!

SVP of DE&GH: I got pulled into a meeting with Reflexes & Bodily Responses!

CEO: I was just on the phone with him!

SVP of DE&GH: That was while I was on my way here. (his cellphone beeps) Sweet mother of God.  He just chugged an iced latte.

CEO: It’s 6 pm!  Why is there incoming espresso?!

(Senior VP of Impulse Control bursts into room, breathless)

SVP of Impulse Control: Don’t worry boss. (Panting) I got him medicated, but then he got tired (deep breath) so I got him some caffeine, everything should be fine.

(CEO stares.  Speechless)

***2:00 am***

Doug in Subconscious Transmissions: (sits at the operations desk with Adam): Finally.  He’s about to sleep. 

Adam in Subconscious Transmissions: Let’s see what we have here.  (Checks order sheet) Holy buckets.  Caffeine Crash, Exhaustion, Nausea, Multiple Medications, and General Anxiety. This must be a mistake. We can’t get through all that in four-and-a-half hours.

Doug: (stretches his arms) Not a problem.  Let’s cue up a flying fantasy dream, that morphs into a free fall nightmare.  After smashing into the ground he’ll instantly be at his high-school graduation but everyone will have purple skin and their body parts will fall off when they move.  And we’ll finish off with him getting shot with a crossbow by James Bond, who for no reason at all will be played by John Leguizamo whose teeth are falling out, yet somehow, as he grabs the arrow, he will know its James Bond.

Adam: (whistles) Doug, you’re an artist.

Doug: I do what I do.