Noise Reduction; Gentlemanly Conduct Generally

CEO: I see you have some requests.

Senior VP of Delusions of Grandeur: Yes. 

CEO: And rather than mount a coup or attempt to bend the company to your will, you have come to me.

SVP of DG: Indeed.  I am here in the spirit of supplication. 

CEO: And your requests include…

SVP of DG: I would like to abolish, or at the very least greatly reduce, the number of noises he makes whilst exercising.

CEO: Why?

SVP of DG: The noises are unbecoming a refined gentleman. 

CEO: That's because he's an overweight blogger. 

SVP of DG: I will address his occupation in due course.  

CEO: (Sighs) What bothers you about the noises specifically?

SVP of DG: They sound as if he is in pain.  

CEO: He is in pain.  The Wife has him doing lunges.

SVP of DG: They sound weak.  

CEO: So your problem with the noises is that they're accurate?

SVP of DG: Accuracy be damned.  He is sullying his reputation. 

CEO: (shakes his head) Have you brought this up with Bodily Responses?

SVP of DG: Yes.  They were…less than receptive. 

CEO: I wonder why.

SVP of DG: They still seem upset about the last noise-related request I made.

CEO: You secretly pushed through a directive not to fart.  Ever.  He nearly died.

SVP of DG: Be that as it may-

CEO: No to the noise reduction. What else?

SVP of DG: The names of the exercises are also less than dignified.

CEO: Burpees have been burpees since before this company was founded.  Let it go.  What else?

SVP of DG: I would like to rein in the infantile fits of rage. 

CEO: Who wouldn't? 

SVP of DG: He recently stamped his feet and raised his voice when he couldn't immediately locate his luggage.

CEO: (shrugs) He was hungry. And tired. And to be fair, the bag he wanted was behind another bag. 

SVP of DG: Such outbursts are improper. 

CEO: Yes.  I believe The Wife informed him of that in no uncertain terms.  

SVP of DG: So what happens the next time he's hungry and tired at the same time?

CEO: We hope The Wife isn't around to watch him act like a hungry angry baby.  Take it up with Diet and Exercise. 

SVP of DG: They don't appreciate my input.  

CEO: What'd you monkey with down in Diet?

SVP of DG: I explained that Brie was a more sophisticated choice than cheddar.  

CEO: Ok…

SVP of DG: The following day he consumed an entire baked brie.  He thought it was quite fancy.

CEO: (nods) I remember.  We didn't have a standard BM for over 36 hours. 

SVP of DG: Will you say something to Diet for me?

CEO: Not a chance.

SVP of DG: So he'll just continue to throw mini-tantrums while farting, eating cheddar, and whimpering when forced to exercise?

CEO: Sounds about right.

SVP of DG: Then what should I be focusing my efforts on?

CEO: You could talk to Budget about buying some Rogaine. 

SVP of DG: On the contrary, I am proposing he purchase a collection of dapper hats and caps.

CEO: I'm sure Budget will be thrilled. Get out.