CEO: I see you have some requests.
Senior VP of Delusions of Grandeur: Yes.
CEO: And rather than mount a coup or attempt to bend the company to your will, you have come to me.
SVP of DG: Indeed. I am here in the spirit of supplication.
CEO: And your requests include…
SVP of DG: I would like to abolish, or at the very least greatly reduce, the number of noises he makes whilst exercising.
SVP of DG: The noises are unbecoming a refined gentleman.
CEO: That's because he's an overweight blogger.
SVP of DG: I will address his occupation in due course.
CEO: (Sighs) What bothers you about the noises specifically?
SVP of DG: They sound as if he is in pain.
CEO: He is in pain. The Wife has him doing lunges.
SVP of DG: They sound weak.
CEO: So your problem with the noises is that they're accurate?
SVP of DG: Accuracy be damned. He is sullying his reputation.
CEO: (shakes his head) Have you brought this up with Bodily Responses?
SVP of DG: Yes. They were…less than receptive.
CEO: I wonder why.
SVP of DG: They still seem upset about the last noise-related request I made.
CEO: You secretly pushed through a directive not to fart. Ever. He nearly died.
SVP of DG: Be that as it may-
CEO: No to the noise reduction. What else?
SVP of DG: The names of the exercises are also less than dignified.
CEO: Burpees have been burpees since before this company was founded. Let it go. What else?
SVP of DG: I would like to rein in the infantile fits of rage.
CEO: Who wouldn't?
SVP of DG: He recently stamped his feet and raised his voice when he couldn't immediately locate his luggage.
CEO: (shrugs) He was hungry. And tired. And to be fair, the bag he wanted was behind another bag.
SVP of DG: Such outbursts are improper.
CEO: Yes. I believe The Wife informed him of that in no uncertain terms.
SVP of DG: So what happens the next time he's hungry and tired at the same time?
CEO: We hope The Wife isn't around to watch him act like a hungry angry baby. Take it up with Diet and Exercise.
SVP of DG: They don't appreciate my input.
CEO: What'd you monkey with down in Diet?
SVP of DG: I explained that Brie was a more sophisticated choice than cheddar.
SVP of DG: The following day he consumed an entire baked brie. He thought it was quite fancy.
CEO: (nods) I remember. We didn't have a standard BM for over 36 hours.
SVP of DG: Will you say something to Diet for me?
CEO: Not a chance.
SVP of DG: So he'll just continue to throw mini-tantrums while farting, eating cheddar, and whimpering when forced to exercise?
CEO: Sounds about right.
SVP of DG: Then what should I be focusing my efforts on?
CEO: You could talk to Budget about buying some Rogaine.
SVP of DG: On the contrary, I am proposing he purchase a collection of dapper hats and caps.
CEO: I'm sure Budget will be thrilled. Get out.