Lies of Omission; Spousal Communication Strategies

CEO: Disclosures to The Wife fall under Spousal Monitoring.  Why is there a dispute? 

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: There isn't.  

SVP of Justification & White Lies: There's some overlap in our areas.  

CEO: I'm aware, but the decision to disclose rests with Spousal Monitoring.  

SVP of Justification & White Lies: He's creating more work for several departments. Just hear me out.  

CEO: Make it quick.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: He wants to tell The Wife we aren't sweeping the kitchen every week.

CEO: We aren't sweeping the kitchen every week?

SVP of Justification & White Lies: (Laughs)

CEO: (Glares)

SVP of Justification & White Lies: (clears his throat) You're serious.  Oh.  No.  We sweep…occasionally.  

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: When we negotiated chores with The Wife we agreed to weekly kitchen sweeping.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Yes, but The Wife agreed to weekly bathroom cleanings, which also don't happen.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: The bathrooms are fine.  

SVP of Justification & White Lies: So is the kitchen floor! Not sweeping is a victimless crime.  Not even a crime.  A slight infraction of household guidelines.  We agree to "weekly" sweeping, and then sweep it whenever it looks dirty.  Which is roughly how often the bathrooms get cleaned.  

CEO: So everything gets cleaned once he notices it's dirty?

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Yes.

CEO: (to Spousal Monitoring) Do you agree with that?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Yes, but--

CEO: I don't see a problem. Nothing to disclose.  There's basically a subliminally negotiated laziness truce between him and The Wife.  Let it be. 

SVP of Justification & White Lies: See?  This is what I'm talking about. 

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: It feels like an omission.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: It is.

CEO: What else?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Although he has agreed to be on a diet with The Wife, he regularly sneaks entire servings of sorbet.  

CEO: (raises his eyebrows)

SVP of Justification & White Lies: What's The Wife's favorite flavor of sorbet?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Mango.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Does he eat the mango sorbet?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: No.

CEO: (sighs) I hate to keep siding against Spousal Monitoring, but-

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: I feel like--

SVP of Justification & White Lies: No one cares. 

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: I feel like this is dishonest.  

CEO: She knows he eats the sorbet.  There are entire cartons of frozen desserts missing from the freezer.  Again, there is nothing to disclose.  Let's move on.  

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Fine.  The shower. 

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Here we go.  

CEO: They have separate bathrooms, each with their own shower.  It's a beautiful system.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Yes, but there was an oversight when they moved in.  

CEO: What kind of oversight?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: We were recently in The Wife's bathroom and noticed her shower is quite a bit smaller than his.

CEO: How much smaller?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: It's about half the size of his shower.

CEO: Half?!

SVP of Justification & White Lies: We hung shower curtains when we moved in, but the curtains are almost always closed.

CEO: You want to tell The Wife that for the last eight months we've been showering in some sort of deluxe-sized mutant shower, while she's been using a narrow half-measure that you can't even turn around in without grazing the curtain with your ass and sending chills up your spine?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Yes.

CEO: (takes a deep breath) Ok. Justification and White Lies goes 3-for-3; all future disclosures will be jointly approved by your departments.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Why?

CEO: To ensure we do not get slapped, pinched, or wake up on fire.  Now get out.