Weekend Diet Report Summary (5); and Other Hygienic Concerns

CEO: I see we're no longer holding up the charade that these are filed on Saturday.

Senior VP of Justification and White Lies: In our defense it was the 4th of July Weekend.  And the Little Brother was in town.

CEO: I've had it up to here with the weddings, and the birthdays, and the five-day-long tequila drinking sessions because the Little Brother is in town!

SVP of J & WL: Little Brother was in town AND  we celebrated the formation of a democratic republic of states, it was kind of a perfect storm. 

CEO: That's not a reason to help create a county-wide tequila shortage and throw away our weight-loss progress!

SVP of J & WL: Actually we lost weight. (Hands CEO report)  

CEO: (skims papers, looks up) Is this a joke?

SVP of J & WL: Nope.

CEO: Wow. I apologize. You guys really stepped things up.  Every other event, no matter how insignificant, all diet protocol has just been cast aside.

SVP of J & WL: As it turns out, when you mix a heavy workout with tequila, whisky, beer, cigars, and processed meats; the weight loss…kind of takes care of itself. 

CEO: (Raises his eyebrows) He threw up?

SVP of J & WL: Like a college freshman. 

CEO: That's it.  I'm adding duties to the diet committee.  

SVP of J & WL: Because of a little USA revelry?  I think that's an overreaction.  

CEO: These punitive duties will be shared equally by all committee members until ideal weight is achieved.  

SVP of J & WL: Wait, what duties?

CEO: To start with? Toe hair trimming. The Wife has requested it. We don't have a department for it. 

SVP of J & WL: Hygiene!  We have a Hygiene department.  

CEO: Hygiene is busy growing fresh vegetables, exercising, and maintaining a quasi-respectable shower schedule; what are you doing?

SVP of J & WL: Finding as many reasons as possible not to do any of those things!

CEO: (glares) In addition, I am finally and firmly enforcing the ice cream ban.  

SVP of J & WL: We haven't eaten ice cream in weeks!

CEO: That is blatantly false.  I've seen the reports.  

SVP of J & WL: I believe those refer to the consumption of frozen dairy treats that do not fall under the definition of "ice cream."  

CEO: (Stares. Mouth open.)

SVP of J & WL: (clears throat) The definition of "ice cream" as provided by the FDA in Title 21 of the Code of Federal Regulations.

CEO: You're running a diet based on federal regulations?

SVP of J & WL: How else would you run a diet? Part 135 of the 21st title governs Frozen Desserts, Subpart B of that Part lists Requirements for Specific Standardized Frozen Desserts.  Section 135.110 of that Subpart covers Ice Cream dairy ingredients in paragraph (b).

CEO: So, when I banned ice cream… 

SVP of J & WL: We immediately halted all consumption of that particular frozen dessert. 

CEO: You didn't interpret the ban to apply to all frozen desserts?

SVP of J & WL: I wouldn't want to overstep my bounds. 

CEO: ...What has he been eating?

SVP of J & WL: Sorbet. Gelato. Frozen custard. Lemon ice fruit chillers. Yogurt based smoothies…    

CEO: Stop. (takes a deep breath) Trim the toe hair.  The ice cream ban is henceforth broadened to the layman's definition and includes all frozen treats.

SVP of J & WL: What about snow cones?

CEO: Get out.