From the Desk of the Senior Vice President of Operations and Logistics
To: The Twins
From: Senior Vice President of Operations and Logistics
Re: Meetings between the hours of 12:00 am and 6:00 am
Sir and Madam,
I write to humbly request a review of the company's current practice of multiple staff meetings throughout the night. When I took this position it was generally understood that these meetings were necessary. However, I must admit I find them repetitive, tedious, and ill-advised.
The meetings are not on a set schedule. Senior Staff are simply told there will be a "few" meetings throughout the night. Sometimes there are four, other nights only two. Additionally, both of you eat at each and every meeting, which makes it difficult to discuss corporate strategy, or indeed company business of any kind. This is exacerbated by the fact that Boy Twin (with all due respect sir) often spends twenty minutes deciding whether or not he wants to eat at all, only to soil himself; at which point the dining process begins anew.
The meetings also have no set agenda. Most meetings are called to order by one of you screaming from the crib. By the time I get to the conference room, both of you are awake, crying, and lying in your own feces, and I'm not sure who called the meeting. The result is chaos. For instance, last night when I entered the room both of you were screaming wildly into the night and had shat yourselves. I blindly chose to meet with Girl Twin, only to have her refuse food and fall asleep as soon as her diaper was changed. Naturally, I proceeded to meet with Boy Twin, at which point Girl Twin woke up, became furious that I had abandoned her, and accused me of misconduct.
If the meetings must continue; a time, agenda, and meeting leader should be established. And perhaps accommodations could be made so that staff members in attendance can be more productive and engaged? A staff barista would liven up meetings at any hour and espresso will sharpen the wits of the staff when summoned to convene at 2:00 am. Conversely, a staff bartender could loosen the staff up so that ideas could be exchanged honestly in a more relaxed environment. Bourbon does wonders for the creative process.
Please know that I hold you both in the highest regard and only seek to put forth my best efforts as I find my footing is this new company.
Senior Vice President of Operations and Logistics
***As of this writing, all requests contained herein have been denied.