It has come to the attention of this office that several of the company guidelines for class, taste, and general decency were violated on November 17th, 2015. This incident report was filed by Boy Twin against the Chief of the Fatherhood Division. The incident has been resolved, The Chief will not be punished for his actions as he was performing his duties to the best of his ability at the time of the incident.
The incident is published here in full for educational purposes.
Apparently at or around 1:00 AM, 11/17/15, Boy Twin became nigh inconsolable for reasons unknown in the wee hours of the morning. Standard protocol was followed. The Twin's diaper was changed, he was held, rocked, a burping was attempted, a follow-up feeding was tried.
The crying continued, and the Chief of the Fatherhood Division desperately began to sing. It began innocently enough. The Chief delivered a wildly off-key, yet soulful interpretation of "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran, and a surprisingly stirring rendition of Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball."
However, in his sleep-addled state, what started as a soft-pop serenade devolved into a mishmash of humming and non-sensical lyrical vomit. In his hour of need his once lauded command of the pop music landscape abandoned him. Alone in the darkness, with nothing but a screaming infant as his companion, The Chief dug deep, and while his actions have been deemed valid given the circumstances, it should be noted that company policy was violated.
At this point The Chief sang Creed's "With Arms Wide Open" in its entirety.
This was followed immediately by an original song he wrote for his high school girlfriend in 2002 using the three guitar chords he had "mastered" at the time, and the pneumonic song he wrote himself to remember the order of marching band warmups during his tenure as Drum Major of the Plattsmouth High School Marching Blue Devils.
The night was capped-off as The Chief attempted to redeem himself with Damien Rice's "Blower's Daughter," forgot half the lyrics, and fell asleep in a chair.