What follows is a draft of the agreement betwixt the Fatherhood and Motherhood Divisions as pertains to the agreed upon procedure for, division of labor of, and proper response to: Dirty Diapers.
For the purposes of these accords, "Chief" and "Co-Chief" refer to the head of the Motherhood and/or Fatherhood Divisions.
1. Dirty Diapers are generally accepted as a one person job.
- Projectile incidents in which the bodily fluids of a Twin are sprayed beyond the boundaries of the changing table are an exception that create an All Hands on Deck situation.
- At times, Twins may resist a diaper change. This is NOT an exception to the one-person rule; even if the Twin is "super fussy," "being a punk," or appears to attack their diaper changer by flailing around uncontrollably and growling like a deranged lizard monkey.
2. In the event the Chief of either division is holding a Twin at the time of defecation, it shall be against company policy to hand-off the poopy Twin to their Co-Chief, or through deception entice their Co-Chief into taking The Twin in question.
- This does not apply to "tag out" situations where for clearly legitimate reasons a Chief asks to be relieved of diaper duty temporarily.
- Receiving a phone call from your sister is a perfectly acceptable reason to tag out.
- Receiving a text message in the group thread between you and your brothers for some reason is not.
3. If a Chief changes the diapers of both Twins, it will be casually and affectionately noted. However, the Chief in question should not expect a damn parade.
4. Should a Twin soil themselves during a diaper change, whether by peeing on themselves, pooping immediately after a diaper is changed, or spitting up onto their freshly chosen onesie, the diaper change is still considered a garden variety diaper change.
- The Chief in question may, and is encouraged to, recount the incident in vivid detail during staff meetings.
- The Chief in question is NOT permitted to claim they "basically changed two diapers" and inform their Co-Chief that they are now "on the hook for changing both diapers next time." As this is complete BS. Diaper changes are tallied by the number of times a Twin leaves the changing table with a clean diaper, not the number of actual diapers used. Poop is part of the job.
5. The Changing Table should be restocked and left in the same condition in which it was found. Using the last diaper in a package and walking away is considered a real dick move and will have serious, lasting consequences.
- This section includes the Diaper Bag.
- This section does NOT include the Twins closet, which has an organizational system that would charitably be described as "loose" and more accurately be described as an ever-shifting quagmire of sartorial distress.
6. It shall be the prerogative of the Chief performing the Diaper Change to dress the Twins as they see fit.
- Sleepers, mis-matched clothing, and even a decent blanket will count as dressing the Twin; so long as the Twin is outfitted with a secure diaper, kept warm, and has a pacifier if necessary.
- If a Chief chooses to change both Twins' diapers to ensure the outfits selected for the day are cute, this does NOT count as an "extra" Diaper Change. A Chief's priorities are their business.
***This draft is incomplete and subject to change. Suggestions for revisions and additions are welcome in the comments, or feel free to email me: email@example.com***