From the desk of the senior vice president of operations and logistics
To: Human Resources; Office of Mediation
From: Senior Vice President of Operations and Logistics
Re: Hygiene/Fatherhood Dispute
To Whom it May Concern:
Last week there was a minor dustup when the CEO of our sister company, GRANDMAM, LLC, mocked the Chief of the Fatherhood Division for handing her a Twin covered in various snack crumbs at the conclusion of the Minnesota Vikings fantastic victory over the Chicago Bears. While the two agreed to let bygones be bygones, the issue of snack crumbs has snowballed within Twincorp into a full-scale debate as to the diligence owed to The Twins when consuming snacks whilst carrying one or both* of them.
While it is beyond dispute that crinkly packaging should NOT be opened while holding a sleeping Twin, the act of incidentally showering a Twin with crumbs while consuming an entire bag of Tostitos with Lime is not explicitly banned. Despite this lack of firm company policy, The Division of Infant Hygiene has started to chastise fellow staffers who apathetically allow food fragments to land on or around a Twin.
To push its agenda that snacks should not be eaten while holding a Twin, Infant Hygiene has begun circulating bullet points on the dangers of "crumb contact." They have sent several emails, passed out leaflets, and hung a laminated sign in the break room; all of which have been either ignored or met with outright hostility by The Fatherhood Division. The Chief of Fatherhood remains steadfast in his position that the real cleanliness threats come from Boy Twin's ability to spray a fountain of urine across the changing table and Girl Twin's infamous Pack and Play projectile poop episode which halted all other company activity while liquid crap was scrubbed out of the nylon netting.
He has further stated he will continue to eat Tostitos and other snacks of their ilk whilst holding a Twin whenever he damn pleases.
The above photo was anonymously sent to the Chief of Infant Hygiene last night.
Further confrontations are likely without intervention.
*It should be noted that while carrying both Twins up and down stairs is strictly prohibited, carrying both babies from the nursery to the living room has been authorized. As has the regular occurrence of either parent sitting on the couch and demanding both babies be placed on their lap so that they can be "straight up covered in babies."