FROM THE DESK OF THE SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF OPERATIONS AND LOGISTICS
To: The Twins
From: Senior Vice President of Operations and Logistics
Re: Increased Productivity!
Dear Sir and Madam,
In order to increase productivity, focus, and for my general well-being I request that I be allowed to relocate my office to the upstairs bathroom. I believe I can be a more valuable team member if I am permitted to embrace the solace and comfort of the lavatory whilst I perform the core functions of my position.
All of my current duties can be performed at an equal, if not higher, level of professionalism while in the lavatory*. I can review correspondence without interruption, send email, and crank out reports; all while in the can. Additionally, I can take in-depth notes on the condition of the sink, shower, and toilet; and perform any needed maintenance or repairs.
My increased presence in the water closet should not adversely effect other bathroom users. I have bought several scented candles and I am well-versed in both the double and triple-flush methods of odor mitigation.
While it seems on the surface to be an unusual choice for a new office, I would posit that the rough hum of the bathroom fan, bracing cold of the toilet seat, even the creepy neighbor who attempts to peer through the frosted glass window; can all become contextual comforts when compared to the sheer noise level and lunacy that permeates the majority of this building.
To bolster my case I would like to point out that this memorandum was written from the room that you will affectionately come to know as "the potty."
*At the time of this writing, the Senior Vice President had been found asleep on the toilet; iPhone in hand open to the ESPN Fantasy Football app, with his head propped against the sink. His request has been denied.