From: SVP of Ops & Lgstcs
To: Boy Twin, Girl Twin; Cc: Mailing List: ALL STAFF
Twincorporated is meant to be a vibrant and exciting workplace. However, the repeated use of so called “practical jokes” during business hours has put me in a position where I must rein in the rambunctiousness and tomfoolery in order for some work to get done.
First and foremost: the blatant hiding and/or theft of pacifiers from the company must stop. Last week a search of the conference room yielded seven (SEVEN!) pacifiers that Boy Twin had stashed between his crib and the wall. Twenty-two other pacifiers remain at large.
Additionally, the staffers in Feeding & Nutrition have filed multiple complaints about Girl Twin’s conduct during meals. The staffers allege that Girl Twin will hold milk in her mouth during a bib change so she can spit up all over her clothes in the micro-second window when there is no bib on her. She reportedly finds it hilarious.
Finally, both Twins have taken to spreading their bowel movements over a 20 minute span, in essence faking-out the Chief Diaper Changer, and burning through three diapers each in a time span shorter than a rerun of Friends. its unclear if this occurs for natural reasons or is some sort of hazing ritual.
Please be advised that while Twincorporated is a fun, easy-going place to work, misconduct of this nature will not be tolerated.
SVP of Operations & Logistics