From: SVP of Ops and Lgstcs
To: Human Resources, Counsel Cc: Chief of Fatherhood, Girl Twin
Subject: Dispute Resolution Request
To All Concerned Parties,
During bath time on January 5th, 2016; Girl Twin abandoned established protocol and began screaming uncontrollably for no discernible reason.
Standard soothing techniques were used, to no avail.
When directly asked “what her deal was” by the Chief of the Fatherhood Division, Girl Twin was hostile. She alleged the bath chair was a joy to sit in and that the wonderful warmness of bath time should not be sullied by “soap” and “washcloths.” Additionally, she declared the cushioned bath chair a pirate vessel and attempted to invoke The Law of the Sea.
The Chief disputed Girl Twin's pirate status under the United Nations Convention on the Laws of the Sea, and did not recognize her vessel as a pirate ship under Article 103, Part 7: “Crimes on the High Sea,” which establishes that a vessel has only fallen to pirates when it is in dominant control of a person or persons who plan to commit maritime crimes.
When The Chief tersely informed Girl Twin that she was not in dominant control of the bath chair, she proceeded to scream and soil the bath chair with all of the bodily fluids at her disposal. Bath time was abruptly ended. Dominance over the bath chair “vessel” remains in dispute.
I would like HR to mediate a meeting betwixt The Chief and Girl Twin, and I would like Legal to write a BRIEF memo on U.S. Maritime Law, and how it intersects and/or overlaps with the UN Conventions* so I can participate in this discussion.
*Anyone with more than a passing interest in international piracy will find the above references superficially researched and likely inaccurate. Anyone who was in Tim’s law school study group will not be surprised.