Memo: Canine Operational Responsibilities

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To: Canine Division

From: Senior Vice President of Operations and Logistics

Re: Premises Protection

First, I would like to thank both of you for your outstanding service during the first few weeks of this company. When things got tense, you both stuck to a solid schedule of napping and licking yourselves, and I can tell you everyone at the Vice President level and higher was very impressed.

Second, while we appreciate the initiative both of you have shown in recent weeks, we would like to offer some coaching in the area of protection.

Protection of the officestead from key threats such as squirrels, mailmen, and falling leaves has and always will be under your purview. Protection of The Twins falls under this umbrella. Yet recent guests have made it in the door, through the mess hall, and into the lobby before either of you noticed. When The Chief of Fatherhood went to ascertain your whereabouts he and his brother found you both sleeping on the floor next to the napping Twins. At which point you noticed a new person had entered the premises and the report states you both “lost your damn minds.”

Conversely, protection of The Twins from perceived threats regularly within the house should be relaxed. For instance if the dishwasher makes a noise, it is no longer, nor was it ever, considered necessary to bark at the dishwasher, run to the nursery where The Twins are sleeping while barking to alert them of the dishwasher threat, and subsequently refuse to leave the nursery, lest The Twins be unprotected from future household appliance aggression. 

I look forward to seeing your improvement in these key areas.