FROM THE DESK OF THE SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF OPERATIONS AND LOGISTICS
To: All Employees
From: Senior Vice President of Operations and Logistics
Re: Blankets, Burp Clothes , and their ilk
It has come to the attention of this office that there is much disagreement and consternation about the proper name and use for the plethora of fabric pieces at the company’s disposal.
Please use the following guide when faced with a cotton conundrum.
Bibs are largely in a category of their own, and are easily identified by the velcro or snap fasteners that secure them to The Twins’ neck. However, in a pinch bibs can be used as a burp cloth.
Identically sized perfect squares. Used for bath time, or a “morning wash-down.” Can be used as a burp cloth if necessary. Will likely be an ineffective towel.
You know...towels. They can really be used for almost anything. Baby towels sometimes have a little hood on them. When traveling be sure to keep one with you. If you can’t figure these out, the exits are clearly marked.
These are gossamer-esque over-sized blankets that were believed to be effective at wrapping The Twins into little baby bundles. They are not. After a few weeks swaddling was deemed radically ineffective and abandoned, yet these remnants of a bygone era persist. Some visiting staffers from other companies may tell you “swaddling works” and “you’re just not doing it right.” Ignore these people. The Twins will wrestle out of any swaddling that touches them. If you would like to securely wrap a Twin, use a velcro-equipped sleep sack. Like a gentleman.
These come in various sizes, makes, and models; from handmade, to store-bought, to repurposed old dish towels. Those who are feeding a Twin should keep one handy to wipe up boogers, spit-up, drool, and instances wherein a Twin will secretly cheek-pocket breast milk for close to an hour until in coagulates into a quasi-cottage cheese like mixture, and suddenly spew it onto an unsuspecting staffer.
Blankets have several sub-types. Handmade “Meemaw blankets” have magical properties that put The Twins to sleep. Regular blankets can be used under a play mat to provide extra cushioning. Medium blankets can be tucked into car seats for extra warmth. All of these can be used as burp cloths and towels if absolutely necessary.
Stuck somewhere between a burp cloth and a blanket size-wise, the actual purpose of these blankets is not known. The ancients believed they would help soothe a baby in times of distress and help usher in the baby’s spiritual awakening. Skeptics hold that they are just pieces of cloth that are too big to be burp cloths, too small to be a swaddler, and not warm enough to qualify as full blankets. Regardless of their actual purpose they appear in great number whenever a baby enters the world, and it is left to the user to determine what, if any, use they have.
I hope this rundown is helpful to you all in your future Twin caring endeavors.