From: SVP of Ops and Lgstcs
To: Canine Division
Subject: Acceptable Actions
I’d like to begin this memorandum by thanking both of you for your continued protective, yet gentle manner toward The Twins. After a careful review of your interactions with the babies over the last 5 months, I want to offer some guidelines on improvement.
Sniffing a Baby
Sniffing a baby’s butt is hilarious and should be done as often as possible. We can’t tell if you smell a dirty diaper, or are giving the baby a “dog’s hello.” And we don’t care. Something about a dog sniffing a baby’s butt is intrinsically funny.
Licking a Baby
Licking a baby is not ok. I understand the initial confusion, “Why sniff it if I can't lick it?” From the canine perspective this may be counter intuitive; however, it is a company regulation by which you must abide.
Licking Up Baby Spills and/or Baby Spit-up
Licking up spilled breast milk and/or baby spit-up is like hanging out at a senior center on New Year’s Eve. It makes people uncomfortable if they watch, it’s a bit gross, but ultimately there is no harm done and everyone walks away happy. When holding a vomiting Twin, or hurriedly prepping bottles for The Twins as they slowly wake-cry their way back to hunger after a nap, there is little time to stop and clean up the occasional spill. So, while your thorough licking up of spilled milk and baby vomit is intensely disgusting, its helpfulness when dealing with The Twins outweighs the hygienic objections.
Eating Anything That is Not Dog Food
The only thing you should be eating is dog food. This was well-established prior to The Twins arrival. And yet, 7 pacifiers, originally thought to be missing-in-action, were recently reclassified as destroyed. This insight came when Boy Dog when on a nefarious vomit-spree that saw bits of brightly-colored, half-chewed silicone spewed on to the floor in virtually every room in the building.
Please take the above improvements to heart in the coming weeks.
SVP of Ops and Lgstcs