NOTE: If twin is hungry do not try to bathe twin. This will result in tragedy.
From: SVP of Ops and Lgstcs
To: All Staff
Subject: Employee Handbook Addition
It has been brought to my attention that there is a glaring omission from the Employee Handbook. It does not cover bathing a Twin. When asked about this missing information the authors said they left it out since it was basically like cleaning yourself, but smaller. Nevertheless, in the name of completeness, what follows is an addendum to the Official Employee Handbook.
To Execute a Normal Twin Bath:
Prep the Bathroom
- Make sure Twin Tub is clean.
- Run warm bath using the temperature gauge rubber ducky as a thermometer. If the ducky says HOT when it touches the water, that means the water is too hot. You have failed as a parent. When you are done weeping, adjust the temperature accordingly.
- Get a Twin Towel and a Twin Washcloth from the linen closet. Make sure both are within reach from a kneeling position on the ground.
- Make sure you have enough Twin Cleaner.
- Make sure you have the special Twin Head Scrubber.
Get a Twin, and Get it Naked
- Take the Twin to the Changing Table.
- Remove Twin’s clothes. Put in hamper.
- Remove diaper.
- Wrap receiving blanket around business end of Twin for transport to bathroom. If you're feeling lucky, carry the naked Twin with no blanket, and cup one of your bare hands around their bottom.
- Carry Twin into bathroom, add Twin to Twin Tub.
- Using washcloth, gently wipe down face and mouth of Twin.
- Squirt small amount of Twin Cleaner into palm, rub on hair of Twin. Avoid the eyes.
- Squirt small amount of Twin Cleaner onto Twin Washcloth. Tilt Twin forward, clean neck and back.
- Sit Twin back. Clean "neck folds" and torso.
- Clean extremities.
- Clean business end of Twin.
- Double check betwixt the fingers and toes for foreign substances.
IF TWIN SOILS BATH, ABORT IMMEDIATELY.
- Remove Twin.
- Clean Twin.
- Wrap Twin to keep warm.
- Dump bath.
- Rerun bath.
- Add naked Twin.
- Repeat as necessary.
If the Twin in question is about to be hungry; you may, at your discretion, execute a Turbo Twin Bath
To Execute a Turbo Twin Bath
- Fill Twin Tub as usual.
- Add naked Twin.
- Squirt Twin Cleaner into hands.
- Rub Twin Cleaner over all areas of Twin.
- Using washcloth, quickly, but thoroughly, clean the business end of the Twin.