Office of the Senior Vice President of Operations and Logistics. Meeting in Progress.
SVP of Ops and Logistics: Thank you both for coming. I wanted to review your baby-proofing budget requests.
The Chief of Motherhood: I think we kept things pretty tight.
SVP: Yes. A tight seventeen thousand dollars…
The Chief of Fatherhood: It’s for the safety of the children.
SVP: Sure. Of course. It just feels like we might be able to find some savings-
COM: By taking shortcuts? Being less than thorough?
SVP: Please don’t say putting bab-
COF: BY PUTTING BABIES AT RISK?!
SVP: Ok. This is clearly a touchy topic.
COM: They need to be protected
SVP: I understand
COF: From electricity
COM: And raptors
COF: And sunlight
SVP: It just seems like there are more cost-effective ways to achieve these goals.
COF: That feels like business speak for cheap ways to make The Twins less safe.
SVP: Less expensive doesn’t always mean low quality.
COM: And when one of them gets hurt are you going to ”reach out” to “touch base” with us to tell us “it is what it is” that one of them got hurt, but we should “improve our best practices going forward”?
SVP: I feel like this is getting confrontational.
COM: You called us in here to tell us your plan was to-
SVP: Don’t say to pu-
COM: TO PUT BABIES AT RISK?!
SVP: Let me just throw a suggestion out there.
COM: (crosses arms) Fine.
SVP: Why do we need an electrician to move all outlets up three feet?
COM and COF: (in unison) So the babies can’t reach them!
SVP: Couldn’t we put those little outlet covers on them?
COF: Babies can pull those off.
SVP: I don’t think that’s true.
COF: I saw it.
COM: (nodding) On the internet.
SVP: (sighs) Ok. What about redoing all the doorknobs so that they are “raptor proof” ?
COF: (Squints) Haven’t you seen Jurassic Park?
COM: When the raptors...(paws the air as if reaching for a doorknob).
COF: They figure out how to open doors.
SVP: You want to protect the babies. From raptors.
COM: All dinosaurs.
SVP: That explains the request for an electric fence. Do we really need the fence AND the raptor-proof doors?
COF: The fence could go down.
COM: (To Dad) I feel like he hasn’t really seen the movie.
COF: (shaking his head) Nope.
SVP: Ok. Well, I have. (takes a deep breath) And I will review these to see what we have room in the budget for.
COM: You’re not going to build the fence are you?