To: All Staff
From: SVP of Ops and Lgstcs
Subject: Coping with Teething
After several 4:00 am disturbances, multiple crying sessions, and general discontent; our office must face the regrettable truth: The Twins are teething.
What was merely circumstantial speculation a few hours ago, has been confirmed by The Chief of Fatherhood who reported that what began as a gentle knuckle-gumming took a turn for the painful when Boy Twin unveiled the perilously sharp addition to his mouth parts.
An action plan for Teething Response has been drafted and executed. It’s pertinent details include:
- The espresso machine has been moved from its storage space next to the hand mixer to a permanent place on the counter.
- Teething rings, toys, and biscuits have been purchased.
- The Chief of Motherhood and The Chief of Fatherhood have set aside their love-frontational style of communication with one another in favor of softer, more soothing tones to compensate for the increased crying and decreased sleep.
- Additional bourbon, scotch, and various craft beers have been obtained to help The Chief of Fatherhood through this trying time.
- The Chief of Motherhood has chosen to cope by binging old episodes of NCIS, so the Apple TV will be largely off limits whenever she is in the office.
While teething does present new challenges for our team, it is important to remember your Twin Response Training. When faced with a crying Twin the standard practice remains to attempt these remedies, in this order:
- Check the diaper and change it if necessary
- See if The Twin is hungry
- Wait five minutes, sometimes they just stop crying
- Pick up the Twin and walk around for a bit
- Give The Twin a toy to play with
- See if The Twin will take a nap
The only adjustment to this workflow is the bleak truth that nothing may work. The Twin may simply inconsolably whine-cry from oral discomfort until they get so hungry they scream. If you're lucky they will get exhausted and fall asleep.