To: All Staff
From: SVP of Ops and Lgstcs
Subject: Twin Mobility
The full scale mobility of The Twins is nigh. A few progress notes:
The Chief of Motherhood has almost finished The Playroom. The Chief of Fatherhood happily moved his office into a windowless “room” in the basement, which freed up much needed space for safe crawling.
The Chief of Fatherhood has begun childproofing outlets, doorknobs, and cabinets. Repeated requests have been made for him to stop saying “Batten the Hatches!” in a pirate voice as he works, to no avail. I encourage all staffers to just let it slide at this point. All who have confronted him directly have been challenged to an officer’s duel at dawn under the auspices of the Pirate Code.
Please continue to ignore soul-crushing, yet casual comments about crawlers and toddlers such as:
- "They are going to destroy this place."
- "I remember when we had nice furniture."
- And: "Are you sure this house is big enough for Twins?"
We must pay no heed to these little quips that subtly point out that we don't know what we're doing.
I expect our executive team to do their best to maintain morale in the days and weeks to come*.
*At the time of this writing Boy Twin was left in the care of the SVP of Ops and Logistics, who turned around “just for a second” and found that the boy had roll-scooted ten feet, grabbed a dog toy, and placed it in his mouth. The Senior Vice President fled the scene weeping and has locked himself in his office. He can currently be heard repeatedly sobbing the words: “I’m a terrible parent.”