To: All Staff
From: SVP of Ops and Lgstcs
Subject: Workplace Complaints
A string of complaints hit my desk this morning that I would like to address.
The complaints are as follows:
- April 18th: While eating my dinner, “Chelsea” grabbed my bowl of Chinese food, dumped it all over herself & the floor, then laughed in my face afterward. She did not help me clean it up.
- April 21st: As I was opening the blinds for the morning, “Stan” reached up to my face as if to gently stroke my beard, then grabbed my eyelid in his fist while babbling incoherently. The attack was unprovoked.
- April 29th: While walking to the car, “Stan” grabbed the collar of my shirt, pulled it away from my body, and proceeded to throw up down the neck hole of my shirt, covering my chest and stomach. He did not apologize.
- May 12th: During an episode of Chopped, “Chelsea” repeatedly grabbed fistfuls of my chest hair and attempted to remove them. After I asked her to stop for the third time, she looked directly into my eyes, smiled, and did it again. My cries of pain appeared to delight her. A psychological evaluation may be needed.
- May 13th: When I was loading the car for an outing, “Stan” kicked me in the testicles three times in quick succession. As I fell to the floor he cheered triumphantly and continued to kick the air. I think he was attempting to establish dominance.
- June 1st: “Stan” and “Chelsea” stole my hat and glasses, and tried to eat them. I retrieved my belongings and did not retaliate.
Although the complaints were anonymous and pseudonyms were used, it seems rather obvious that each of these complaints were placed by The Chief of Fatherhood against one or both of The Twins.
Each of these incidents appears to be either accidental or exploratory in nature. As there was no intent to harm or malice; no action will be taken by the executive team.
It should be noted that The Chief of Motherhood regularly experiences violent hair pulls, and even had a Twin sneeze AND spit-up into her mouth. In the same day. No complaints were filed.
The Chief of Fatherhood is hereby formally advised to “suck it up” and accept these incidents as a normal part of the parental environment.